Day 1

So I started Weight Watchers today. I always have secretly thought that people who use the Weight Watchers program were weak or somehow inferior because they couldn't make the lifestyle changes themselves--they are dictated by those stupid points. But here I am, embarking upon a Weight Watchers journey with every criticism still somewhere inside of me. 

I guess I anticipate using it as a spring board. I have lost weight before. I know how to do it. I guess I've just been working so much lately that it has been difficult to really nail down some sort of plan, and then really stick to it. Working in a restraunt is also sticky business--when other waitresses are grabbing french fries off customers' plates, it's really hard to not join in. Besides, it smells delectable. 

But I seriously can't do it any more. I can't remember the last time I worked out. It's that bad. I guess I went for a run while JJ was on vacation at the end of last month. I suppose I do remember. But it's been awhile since I've gotten into a workout routine. I used to do everyday for at least an hour and a half. I miss how my body felt back then. 

I just have to get back into it. I'll want to rebel. I know I will, but I have to stay strong. I want to be strong for JJ. So he knows it is possible. Routine is good. Working out is important and possible. I don't want to fill my body with toxins all the time. Healthy eating! Healthy exercise! Healthy lifestyle!

My favorite part? He likes the way I am. But I think he has no idea--i am going to be soooo hot. :)

xoxo

Emily. 

PS. 

Activia. Strawberry Banana Fruit Smoothie. 

Meltdown Monday

I've decided to pull a Katie Herring and write a note. 

It's Monday, and I'm having a meltdown--one of those instances in which you realize everything is just going horribly wrong, and you can't discern any light from under the massive heap of garbage obstructing your view of happiness.

I've started working three jobs, and my life is out of control. Three. Plus taking 20 credit hours. I keep trying to stay afloat, but I cannot breath. Jessi Lynn, please tell me how you function.  My apartment needs to be packed up. I'm sorry, Ben Hooe, for taking forever to get out. 

I think it all started with my birthday party. God, I had fun but it took all of my attention. I couldn't focus on anything but planning. I also stopped working out around that time. I had just started my two new jobs, and began to realize that 'free time' was just a joke. 

Fast forward 2 weeks, and I have zero motivation to end this school year. Zero motivation to go to class. All I want to do when I have a free second is sleep. I slept through my classes again today--for some reason I cannot force myself to get stuff DONE. I keep trying to pull all-nighters but my body is fighting me. 

I need to work out. I need those happy little endorphins to release, and pull me through this negativity and excessive sleeping. 

I've never failed a class in my life. Never received anything below a 'B,' and here I am: about to fail probably two of them. 

I want to be done with school.

I just need to get on a treadmill and run. 

I also don't know what I expect to gain from writing this.  I promise I'll be happier in two weeks. 

Everything Everybody Hates

it's been over a year, and i look at this blog and realize how much I've grown. I suppose we continually grow, but I had no idea how young I was. Even a year ago. wow. 

I'm in my senior year of college--teetering on the precipice of adulthood. I'm ready to graduate. I never thought about how it would feel when I suddenly was the oldest class on campus. How when you meet somebody, 3/4 of the time it'll be somebody much younger, much prettier, and much more stupid than yourself. I know I'm not old, twenty-one isn't old by any means, but I am starting to feel the four years I've been here. 

I've come to learn that most people really aren't interesting. aren't smart. aren't what you want them to be. I am the kind of person who really relies on my social and love life for fulfillment. I derive my sense of self-worth from acceptance, and from the knowledge that I am desirable. This means that although I realize that people are stupid, and uninteresting, that I still attempt to manipulate them into finding me charming, outgoing, sexy, driven, magnetic, etc. 

And perhaps I really do have faith in humankind, in the goodness of the our society--on one level anyway. But on another level, one that is hidden from every single person on this planet except Paul and my mom, I am pretentious and manipulative. I use other people's stupidity for my amusement, and ultimately for validation. 

I'm everything people hate probably. 

I gain validation through other things. Involvement, working out, class. But for the most part, i really revolve my life around social interaction. If the interactions are good, I'm lovely. If i feel wanted, lusted after, desired, impressive, envied--I am happy. If I feel that I am not given attention, I go into a downward spiral of self-hate and binge-eating. It's probably why I got so obsessed with my appearance. 

Yep. Everything everybody hates.

Currently Wilco (The Album) By Wilco see related

single again

 thought i'd update my fans (or lack there of)--this chick is single again and loving it.

I will not allow a relationship to trap me.end of story. i'm terrified of commitment, and i'm cool with that for right now.

Just a short little entry. I saw Harry Potter last night with the boy--which was super nice. He bought the tickets like 2 weeks in advance just because he knew i wanted to go. so sweet. I got to see my beautiful cousins, Anna and Bess/Elizabeth which was awesome. (I try to call her Elizabeth, but it is so hard, as Bessy is what i've been calling her for 32904832908492384230 years). I'm really excited they will be here next year!
It looks as if its going to rain this evening--which is fine with me. It would be nice to curl up and read listening to the rain--maybe i'll light a candle!--I get off work in less than 15 mins! woot woot! Here are the plans for tonight:

1. Drop the boy off at Honda
2. Go to apartment, change clothes
3. Work out at REC
4. Tan
5. Go to apartment, make supper
6. Go to the library if i have time

Oh the exciting life of me! Marsh wasn't here today (the evil, stupid witch) so i pretty much had a leisurely, boring day. I didn't even make a run over to academic today. woah! risk-ay!

Going to Six Flags on Sunday, jealous?